I Know I Said No Homework...

But this choose-your-own-copywriting-adventure might be fun

Maybe you can help me with this. I have a book, The Reign of the Anti-Santas, out now. Promoting a book is no picnic. It’s hard to sum up your own work, and even harder to shoehorn it into the minds of a large swath of the population.

So how about a game?

Call it 13 Ways of Looking at a Pitch. I have a series of fairly distinct descriptions of the book below. Just type the number of your favorite tagline in the comments, with a few words of why you like it best.

There are some scary smart people among my subscribers, so I’m excited to hear what you think.

The three people with the best answers will get a free advance copy! And the winning caption will go on the promotional materials for the book.

Here come the pitches

1. The shocking story of Santa’s spoiled children, the Wall Street manipulations and the daring elf who helped save Christmas, at least for now. The Reign of the Anti-Santas will change how you see December 25th forever!

2. When Santa is forced into retirement, one surly elf has to keep Christmas running, despite its new owners - or else face the consequences, in this holiday tale for our time!

3. This is the Christmas story you always suspected. Santa litters the landscape with illegitimate children and hibernates for months. Desperate reindeer race to stay ahead of the meat grinder. Listless elves turn to pine trees. And all the while, the money men threaten to undo reality itself.

4. Whatever happened to Christmas? Money, power and sex, for starters, followed by high-finance, high-technology and law enforcement. And when the holiday turns sinister, it takes a criminal to keep it alive.

5. After escaping federal custody, Elvin the elf is ready to tell all - Santa’s inept successors, payoffs in the workshop, betrayals in the boardroom, and the final conspiracy to keep Christmas alive.

6. Want to wash the candy-cane taste out of your mouth and get Mariah Carey out of your ears? The Reign of the Anti-Santas is just the ticket this holiday season!

7. Something depends on toys under a tree and a midnight flight on one of the longest nights of the year - but what? More than you can imagine. Read The Reign of the Anti-Santas and find out!

8. When Christmas falls into the hands of low-level gangsters, faded tv-movie heartthrobs, private equity bros and lifestyle gurus, one elf and an old Santa on the lam step up - against all odds - to save the day.

9. A raunchy thrill ride through seventy Christmas Eves, The Reign of the Anti-Santas is Goodfellas meets ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas.

10. With all the excitement of tiptoeing through the house on Christmas Eve and all the revelation of a Christmas morning, The Reign of the Anti-Santas delivers the story behind the stories that make the holiday what it is.

11. Rudolph’s in a Cadillac, Santa’s in hiding and Christmas itself is being bought and sold with the fate of the world at stake. The Reign of the Anti-Santas tells the story of how a holiday fell apart, and what it takes to keep it all going.

12. From a Cold-War childhood at the North Pole to a SoCal car dealership to the North Pole’s corporate ladder, Elvin the elf thought he'd seen it all. But nothing prepared him - or anyone - for a world without Santa.

13. Ever wonder what Santa's really up to? What makes him tick and why he goes to all that trouble? The Reign of the Anti-Santas is an insider's account of the jolly old man, the reindeer and the entire Christmas operation.

Now your turn

Which tagline will work the hardest to sell it? Please let me know. And be on the lookout for more about The Reign of the Anti-Santas soon.

Note: You can order The Reign of the Anti-Santas for yourself or your loved ones and it will get to you before Thanksgiving. Order here: Independent - Amazon - B&N - ibooks - Kobo